Dread.

Anxiety.

I feel a slow burn of discomfort rising inside and I rip off the VR headset. The underwater blue whale VR experience is meant to fill you with wonder. Without leaving the comfort of your home, you can experience the dazzling depths of the ocean and see this majestic creature up close. Except, for me, I am concentrating on the dark and slightly murky view and this 360 perspective fills me with dread. What is it that I can’t see? What is waiting just beyond my field of view?

I have never been a great swimmer. I know how to float, doggy paddle, splash, and have fun on the surface. I never learned how to really swim efficient laps. Even in my kiddie swim classes, I wasn’t comfortable putting my face underwater. I pinch my nose shut when I swim underwater. If I don’t hold my nose closed, I rush to expel imaginary water from my nose in a whoosh of air that lasts a few seconds before I have to surface. This was never a problem for me growing up. I could spend hours in the pool with my siblings without needing to put my face underwater for longer than a few seconds or I would just hold my nose shut.

In through the nose and out through the mouth. I only breathe this way for meditative/calming purposes or when exercising. I am a constant, consistent, and unconscious nose breather. I have trouble sleeping when I’m congested and have to breathe through my mouth. I’ve lived through Pneumonia, bronchitis, and exercise-induced asthma. There is an edge of anxiety when I can’t get enough oxygen through my nose. The wildest panic I have ever experienced is when I took a breath but it wasn’t enough. A gasp without oxygen is a deep terror you feel instantly and I have experienced this feeling before.

Here I am:
• Over thirty
• Swims with one hand because the other is holding my nose shut
• Have had asthma and a panic attack when I couldn’t get enough oxygen when I breathed
• Is mildly scared of open water
• A constant nose breather

I signed up for open-water scuba certification.

Some of the skills required to pass:
• Regulator removal and recovery
• Partially flooded mask
• Fully flooded mask
• Mask removal and replacement underwater
• Air depletion and signal
• No mask swim

The number one rule of scuba diving is to breathe continuously and never hold your breath!

So I didn’t just sign up for open water scuba certification out of the blue. I’ve actually tried scuba diving before. It didn’t go so well. I was just getting over bronchitis and all the smoking from Europeans on vacation (I was in the Gran Canary Islands) was setting off deep and terrible coughing attacks that would end in me gasping for air. The best hour of my life on that trip was breathing in from the scuba diving tank of oxygen. Sweet, sweet, clean air! But as soon as I went underwater my anxiety became too much. My friend was ecstatically diving underwater while I was doggy paddling with full scuba gear on the surface.

Before signing up for open water scuba certification, my partner and I signed up for a “Discover Scuba” which is like an intro to scuba diving. During this single tank pool dive class I was unable to do a mask clearing and was too afraid to go to the ‘deep’ end (14 ft.) I was 50% confident in my ability to continue learning to scuba dive. I have never been this uncertain in my life yet still signed up for the open water certification course (2 consecutive weekends with the first Saturday and Sunday taking place in the dive shop pool and the second Saturday and Sunday taking place at our local Windy Point Park in Texas). 

I took a continuing education engineering class where I barely passed the final. I didn’t understand all the material since I don’t have an engineering background and not all the material was practical for what I do day-to-day. I either did or did not understand the material. In my Advanced Placement (AP) Calculus class, I either knew or did not know how to answer the questions. I either can or can’t do something physically (like jump a certain height or reach a certain height). I’ve never tried to do something that was almost beyond difficult for me mentally. Practice will get you far, but if something is hard mentally, it’s beyond difficult. I have trouble jumping into the water because I don’t like to be cold. I put off calling customer service because it’s uncomfortable. I’ll pick green onions out of my food because I just don’t want to eat them. It’s easier for me to put up with physical pain than to subject myself to discomfort or something that is mentally tough.

Continuously breathing underwater was – not shockingly – very difficult for me. And not just because being underwater and breathing underwater is counterintuitive to living. Breathing in and out of my mouth was surprisingly difficult for me. At one point the instructor told me that I would just have to focus on breathing in and out of my mouth. There was no alternative. You’re underwater. You have to breathe through your regulator. Period.

Will do. Can do. Done.

I did sign up for an adult swimming lesson at the local community pool. It was just me in the pool that morning with a young lady who was probably a bit confused that I wanted a lesson on how to not breathe water in my nose when underwater. For people who have practiced swimming enough to intuitively breathe out (and not in) through their noses, teaching this skill may seem laughable. She was patient. I really, really didn’t want to practice. Stick my head underwater, hold my breath, breathe out my nose. So far so good. Hold my breath. Breathing out my nose that second time wasn’t working. I kept inhaling at least a little bit from my nose before exhaling that second time. A little water went up my nose. It wasn’t the worst feeling in the world. I didn’t feel like I was drowning. I was more frustrated than anxious.

Going into the open water certification class in the pool, I knew that it was going to be okay if I swallowed a little water or inhaled a little water in my nose. So I was prepared to try the mask flooding and removal skills.

The first time didn’t go well. I must have inhaled because the next moment I was on the surface and my mask was gone. I had panicked and surfaced and thrown my mask off my head. The instructor surfaced and we had a conversation about what went wrong. I was trembling, adrenaline making me shake. Could I handle this skill?

I tried again. Still breathing in through my nose. Less panicked this time. I surfaced to clear the mask of the water. It was frustrating that I was the only one of the 4 students having trouble. Am I too old and set in my way to learn something new? Would I have to just live with inhaling water in order to pass this skill check? What would happen when I was deeper than 4 feet underwater? All of the skills we were learning and had to pass were going to keep us safe while scuba diving. There is no fake it til you make it. You either do or don’t. 

Then the instructor gave me an alternative way of clearing my mask which I was able to apply to all mask skills (clearing, flooding, and removing and putting it back on). He said I could pinch my nose shut to help with the skill. I could take my time. I was still breathing through the regulator. I could do it.

I did it!

High fives all around.

With the safety of knowing I could block myself from breathing in through my nose, I could do all the mask skills. They still made me anxious. How would I do when we were 10 ft underwater? 30 ft underwater? It was such a relief to know that I could block my nose if I needed to.

Breathe in through the regulator.
Gently breathe out through the nose as I remove the mask and close my eyes.
Pinch my nose shut.
Stay calm.
Breathe in through the regulator.
Breathe out through the regulator.
Reposition the mask on my forehead.
Pull the strap over my head.
Breathe in.
Stay calm.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Stay calm.
Breathe out gently through my nose as I quickly slip the mask into position over my face.
Pinch my nose shut.
Stay calm.
The fully flooded mask is now in place.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Gently blow out through my nose, looking down, and pushing on the top part of the mask to gently remove the water.
Pinch my nose.
Open my eyes to check my progress. 
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Partially flooded mask.
Breathe in.
Clear the mask of the remaining water.
Done.
Continue to breathe.
Whew.
Moving on.

To the lake dives!
Again with the skills but this time with 0-5 ft. visibility in the open water.
Focus on continuously breathing, remaining calm, and preparing to complete the same skills from the pool but deeper and with less visibility.

I did it before. I can do it again.

We get into the lake. I’m shoved by waves. There were no waves in the pool. I’m struggling to find my calm. We start with a snorkel to regulator switching swim out to a designated float. My mask keeps getting water in it. I’m opening my mouth too wide to switch between the two because of course everything is made for bigger faces and larger bodies. The gloves don’t fit. My BCD (Buoyancy Control Device) is large. I’m pushed over from the weights in the front and the air in the back to keep me afloat. Have to learn how to float with all the moving water. Have to learn not to clench the regulator and to just slip it into my mouth without moving my face too much. Have to remain calm.

It’s so hard.

I’m not ready to dive.

When I perform on stage I prefer to go earlier than later in the program so that my nerves don’t get as worked up.

I’m more ready to dive now than later. If I keep waiting, I’ll be psyched out.

We dive. I can’t see. Visibility is low. I’m clenching the guide rope, equalizing with every breath, working to remain calm and breathe slowly and continuously. We’re at the platform underwater. I hold tight to the guide pipe and await instruction. I manage to make it through the skills and we surface and head back to our picnic table for debriefing, rest, snacks, and water, as well as to talk through the next and final dive of the day. 

We go back in and I feel the tiniest bit more confident. After we descend I end up between my partner and another student on the platform, holding onto the pipe in front of me as I work to get my hover/buoyancy under control. I feel something push down on my tank. I look left. The sight of my partner calms me. He does not seem bothered. That makes me feel better. There are 3 instructors for us 4 students. That makes me feel better. I look to my right. The other student is mostly still by my side. I look forward to the instructor. It’s okay. I can do this. I’m surrounded by help if I need it.

Something pushes down on my tank again.

I’m trapped.

If I move too far I won’t be able to see the instructors and they won’t be able to see me.

I need to get out.

I signal ‘problem’.

I signal ‘up’.

He tells me to wait.

Trying to hold in the anxiety.

Why won’t he let me surface?

I signal ‘problem’ and ‘up’ again.

He tells me to wait and then indicates I should move forward. I am pulled by another instructor back to the guiding rope.

Up? I ask again.

We surface slowly and calmly. I already feel better now that I’m not stuck in between two other students, feeling trapped, and not able to see.

We discuss what happened, what I felt, and how we’re going to go back down.

It doesn’t feel like an option to quit.

When I’m ready to go back down we will.

Logical.

Next step.

I am and am not ready but what am I waiting for?

My partner likes to watch UFC and when they get illegally poked in the eye or hit in the groin, they have time to recover and they never seem to take the full allotted time before jumping back in the fight. Sometimes five-minute rounds gas out the competitors. Every minute underwater is taxing for me. 

We’re a few minutes on the surface. I don’t use my full allotted time. We go back down. I make it through the skills and we go on a ‘tour.’ I manage to spot a neatly placed fake skeleton inside part of a sailboat. Visibility is so poor that the tour feels like slow torture through a claustrophobic underwater prison. My jaw is tired from clenching the regulator so tight. I’m afraid of moving my head too much and letting water into my mask. I don’t want to have to clear it. 

At least my partner is beside me. I’m holding onto his BCD or his hand and keeping my sight set on the instructor leading us forward. Soon it will end. The three-minute safety stop is torturous but also like a slow release inside because this is our last few minutes before we will be topside. 

Soon I can go back to the comfort of nose breathing. 

And then we’re out and climbing the steep steps. I’m exhausted in so many ways but also proud of going back, descending, keeping calm, and breathing continuously. One more day to go and I’ll have overcome this challenge. My reward – a fun and full-of-visibility dive on our vacation to Oahu later this fall.  

Thanks to Austin Dive Center and our instructor Carl Balzen who gave me a way to handle myself and the required skills underwater. His belief and assumption that I was going to go back in was the push I needed to keep breathing (through my mouth of course) and go back underwater, even with limited to near zero feet of visibility. And we all passed! Four new open-water certified scuba divers!